Monday, 24 May 2010 03:22

Boy Pulls Sword Out of Stone

Written by 

The following story is satire. It is intended for amusement purposes only. If you are not amused, maybe you need to get outside more. (In fact, I suggest a day at one of the areas fine amusement parks that are opening this weekend, such as Kennywood Park or Idlewild Park.) Do not try this at home. Do not try this at Storybook Forest. Under certain conditions, you may want to try this at a RennFest. Please do not read this post backwards, as it contains clues. They are not clues about removing the sword, but about who killed Mr. Boddy.


"WHAT'S FEUDALISM?" HE ASKS, SAYS HE JUST WANTS TO KEEP SWORD

LIGONIER, Pennsylvania -- After 54 years, someone has finally done it. Little Joey Sandler, 7, of Latrobe, will be knighted in a ceremony at Storybook Forest this Saturday after he successfully extracted King Arthur's sword, Excalibur, out of the stone on the first try yesterday.

The sword, embedded in the stone for more than half a century in an exhibit at the fairy tale-themed park, has eluded even the world's strongest adults who've given a good-natured (and often embarrassing) go at removing it.

Why does everyone want to pull the sword out?

Legend has it that the "one" able to remove the sword from the stone would be bestowed with the "immediate honor of knighthood and all the rights and privileges thereunto pertaining." The legend never specifies what those rights and priveleges thereunto pertaining are, but some suspect they may be similar to Giant Eagle Fuelperks.

"This is a remarkable thing," said park manager Cornelius S. Flake. "We never thought it would happen, especially before the season even started. Or this century. Or ever, for that matter. Frankly, we just put it there to you know -- kinda mess with people."

According to Flake, park maintenance had just filled some cracks in the stone with Quikrete the previous morning. The cracks were caused by subtle landscape shifting due to the recent bout of wet weather.
"Quikrete is a great product and our crew is top-notch, so we know without a doubt this was destiny," said Flake.

A new sword will be embedded in the stone using Gorilla Glue before the park opens this weekend.

Sandler, who has one week left before completing the first grade, exclaimed, "I can't wait to take this to show and tell!"